I admit it — I allowed the coronavirus hype to obscure my rational thoughts. So, yesterday, I bought 36 rolls of toilet paper and two boxes of protein bars. Why would I do such a thing? Well, obviously, in the worst-case scenario, if, as a preventative measure, the City of Philadelphia is shut down, I will be prepared. My backside will be spotless (for years), and I will not starve or be forced to eat cat food (or the cat).

Now, please excuse me. I must log onto the ‘zon to reserve a mask and sixteen gallons of Lysol.