If I hear another person say or read another story that includes the phrase “the new normal,” I will launch my phone through my television. I get it — there will not be a return to the same way of life prior to March 2020.

Heart hands are tired, but clapping at 7 p.m. is rad.

What in the hell is with the commercials on CNN? The ASPCA commercial makes me want to horde animals, and the ads for St. Jude Children’s Hospital cause me to want to take out hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans to add a wing or three to the building. Fortunately, my cat will freak the fuck out if I add any more pets, and my law school debt prevents me from incurring any more mammoth financial obligations.

I don’t give two flying fucks about the NFL Draft.

Why does President Trump consistently move his hands back and forth while he lies, errrrrrrrrrrrr, speaks? The habit is super weird. Sir, I cannot focus on your misinformation when I am distracted by your air accordion.